I was living from the outside in. Let’s go back to that job I mentioned.
I was relatively new to the field and my co-workers were all more External examples. Naturally, I was insecure. I also made less money, more mistakes and received a lot more attention from my boss and I don’t mean flirting.
This led me directly to two simultaneous conclusions:
I am no good whatsoever because I suck at this and I might be fired at any moment.
They don’t deserve me. I need more money for putting up with my boss’s unpredictable mood swings and working this hard at trying to learn this job.
I felt both inferior and superior.
Because I was basing my internal worth and identity on External examples.
I have found through many difficult experiences that this model is completely unsustainable.
When I become dependent on money, objects, jobs, relationships, looks or any number of other External examples circumstances of my life to give me value as a human being, I will always end up feeling empty and alone, discontent and disappointed.
I filled up from the inside out.
I had to start behaving like someone I could live with.
This meant I had to figure out exactly what bothered me about how I was showing up.
Turns out it’s a very simple matter: My behaviors just didn’t match my values.
I thought they did. I thought that I valued what was popular and easy. Turns out, that shit bothers me.
I don’t like how slacking off at work makes me feel like a bit of a thief. I don’t like how I feel when I neglect to do something helpful for someone else even without reward or recognition — cleaning up a mess I didn’t make or lending an open ear.
Now I value things like integrity, honesty, dependability, accountability, vulnerability and much more.
I had to work on these abilities. I’m still working at them. I will continue to work at them and screw them up in new ways that haven’t been revealed to me yet.
That means I’ll have to continually work on accepting my humanity and all that comes with it. It means I need to remain forgivable and teachable. Because I still don’t think friendly thoughts when I’m holding the door for your slow ass family of 8 at Applebee’s on a Friday night. External examples, I’m probably bitching in my head about how I’m gonna have to wait longer because your big group requires the table me and my party of 2 would have otherwise been seated at.