External examples, I was living from the outside in. Let’s go back to …

External examples, I was living from the outside in. Let’s go back to …

I was living from the outside in. Let’s go back to that job I mentioned.

I was relatively new to the field and my co-workers were all more External examples. Naturally, I was insecure. I also made less money, more mistakes and received a lot more attention from my boss  and I don’t mean flirting.

This led me directly to two simultaneous conclusions:

  1. I am no good whatsoever because I suck at this and I might be fired at any moment.

  2. They don’t deserve me. I need more money for putting up with my boss’s unpredictable mood swings and working this hard at trying to learn this job.

I felt both inferior and superior.

Because I was basing my internal worth and identity on External examples.

I have found through many difficult experiences that this model is completely unsustainable.

When I become dependent on money, objects, jobs, relationships, looks or any number of other External examples circumstances of my life to give me value as a human being, I will always end up feeling empty and alone, discontent and disappointed.

I filled up from the inside out.

I had to start behaving like someone I could live with.

This meant I had to figure out exactly what bothered me about how I was showing up.

Turns out it’s a very simple matter: My behaviors just didn’t match my values.

I thought they did. I thought that I valued what was popular and easy. Turns out, that shit bothers me.

I don’t like how slacking off at work makes me feel like a bit of a thief. I don’t like how I feel when I neglect to do something helpful for someone else even without reward or recognition — cleaning up a mess I didn’t make or lending an open ear.

Now I value things like integrity, honesty, dependability, accountability, vulnerability and much more.

I had to work on these abilities. I’m still working at them. I will continue to work at them and screw them up in new ways that haven’t been revealed to me yet.

That means I’ll have to continually work on accepting my humanity and all that comes with it. It means I need to remain forgivable and teachable. Because I still don’t think friendly thoughts when I’m holding the door for your slow ass family of 8 at Applebee’s on a Friday night. External examples, I’m probably bitching in my head about how I’m gonna have to wait longer because your big group requires the table me and my party of 2 would have otherwise been seated at.

I’m just a goofy dude trying to act his way into better thinking so I can be comfortable enough in my own skin not to treat you like I treated myself. And mostly so I can get a little peace of mind because ultimately when I hit the pillow, it’s not my bank account or yours that’s going to keep me tossing and turning, it’s how I treated myself and those around me that day.

Most of all it means that I need to stay my right size. Just as I came into this world. Before I got all mixed up with heavy emotions and distorted perceptions and backward perspectives. No better or worse than anyone, External examples, just trying to leave this place a little better than I found it, shoulder to shoulder with all of you.

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